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The Patchwork Quilt of Addiction

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2025-02-20 12:27 PM

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He's been lying to me all this time !


golferman
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golferman
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19 years ago 0 563 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Janet, Your feelings of betrayal can be quite painful. You know that smoking is an addiction. We all know it's an addiction. So why do addicts lie when they are otherwise fine people? Fear. Guilt. Denial. All of the above. Their addictions control them. They will do anything to justify another "fix". Including lying. I realize your trust in him is zero right now, and believe me I'm not condoning his actions, but like the others have said, try to separate the quit from the marriage.. from the man. There are several on here whose spouses still smoke. What you need to do is to protect your quit and ensure that he never smokes around you or inside your house. Being ticked at him, getting into arguments over quitting will not make him quit. The best you can do at this point is to establish clear guidelines in terms of what areas are off limits. That would include your house, car, dining out in smoke free areas, etc. You are making a new life for yourself, one your son is probably very proud of. Continue to be that shining example of Strength, Determination, Commitment and A Positive Attitude. Be bigger than your husband. He may one day come around. Then again, make sure his life insurance is paid up. Best wishes. [b][color=Green]Be Strong. Be Smart. Be Quit.[/color] [color=black]Joe[/color] [size=3][color=Blue]Knowledge Replaces Fear[/color][/size] [size=2][color=black]Illegitimus non carborundum est[/color][/size][/b] [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 5/15/2005 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 263 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 6,586 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $644.35 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 46 [B]Hrs:[/B] 2 [B]Mins:[/B] 32 [B]Seconds:[/B] 6

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Shevie
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Shevie
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19 years ago 0 2027 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
I'm so glad to hear things are working out good, Janet. For the record, I was more worried about your relationship than your quit. From your posts, your quit was solid in itself, but a relationship crumbling can threaten that. This is a perfect example of how controlling this addiction can be. Not only will it mess up our lives, but it messes up the lives of our loved ones. I has literally torn people apart. The only difference between this and heroin or cocaine is that it's legal. Don't be sorry for coming here. That's what we're here for, Janet. Shevie [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 5/23/2005 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 256 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 5,128 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $972.8 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 47 [B]Hrs:[/B] 19 [B]Mins:[/B] 20 [B]Seconds:[/B] 57
Shevie
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Shevie
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19 years ago 0 2027 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Janet, I understand how hurt you are right now, but your entire marriage has [u]not[/u] been a lie. Your husband is an addict and he�s been going through the rationalization gyrations only an addicted brain can. He�s rationalizing that smoking just a little is being essentially quit and that�s close enough to call it quit. He knows it�s not true, but ignores that fact because it threatens his addiction. His superior attitude toward your cravings is another form of rationalization. He�s been �cheating� with smoking and he needs to hide it to protect his addiction, so he assumes an air of superiority. I�ve seen this happen with alcoholics, too. Again, it�s roots are in protecting the addiction. Janet, you have to understand the addict is in control of your husband. This isn�t the man you married doing this. Perhaps a professional counselor would be in order, not so much for your marriage but for helping you and him understand his addiction problem and to help him regain control of himself. Shevie [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 5/23/2005 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 255 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 5,109 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $969 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 47 [B]Hrs:[/B] 15 [B]Mins:[/B] 3 [B]Seconds:[/B] 27
Luna
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Luna
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19 years ago 0 989 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Whew - I just read through all this. I am very happy that you have had a good heart to heart with your husband. I am honest to a fault - i always thought. This was and is one of the main tenets of my relationship with my husband. However, I have to admit that that honesty did not extend to my addiction. There were several times during the years when I lied about my smoking. I am glad that he was finally able to see that that lying was different. Don't get me wrong. I am not condoning lying in any form, and I am not proud that there were times that I was not truthful with him. But...after all I have learned about myself and others and addiction, I do put lying about an addiction in a different category than, say, lying about fidelity or anything else. Thankfully, I no longer smoke (YAY) so this won't be a problem ever again. Best wishes. I have no doubt that he will be right behind you.

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Brenna
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Brenna
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19 years ago 0 208 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
I too have been the liar. I was so ashamed of my starting to smoke again and I didnt want my husband to be disappointed in me. He was doing so well in his quit. And when he finally caught me, I also made up excuses in order to put myself in the right. My addiction was once again in control. My rational thinking was completely gone. I would not blame you one bit for being upset with him for lying but an addiction this strong can make you do anything..... Congrats on your staying strong even in his weakness....... Set an example for him.....He will eventually get his thinking straight again.... Brenna [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 2/2/2005 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 365 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 7,311 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $1642.5 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 42 [B]Hrs:[/B] 16 [B]Mins:[/B] 0 [B]Seconds:[/B] 59

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valleymom
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valleymom
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19 years ago 0 44 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Janet, you need to get a grip on your feelings. I don't often respond to posts these days but yours is ringing some really loud alarm bells. I used anger as a reason to return to smoking many times. You need to realize that he is doing this to himself - not you. Try and see how hard it is for him to admit failure to someone he sees making it. OK, so he is in denial. So what. Let him process it. Of course he is hurting - you are just too angry to see it, but, let go of the anger. Realize that your withdrawl is blowing this so very far out of proportion - 5 years from now this won't mean a thing. There are usually many, many, many unsuccessful quits before the success is reached - be gentle - hopefully you will both get there but, in the grand scheme of things, this is such a small blip. Try and get some perspective. I realize this is easy for me to say, I have only been in your shoes about 3 times. Happy to report that hubby and I have well over a year quit now and marriage survived nicely. We have forgotten all the horrible - and I mean HORRIBLE - things that smoking reduced us to over the years. It is all gone. I have nothing but sympathy for those who are still on the other side - there is nothing worse than to see your soul mate succeed and leave you behind. Takes a long time to process. Oh, in our case (during this particular quit - went back and forth a few times), I was the "deceiver" but my husband stood by me through my many attempts and all the garbage I produced while doing it - and yes, I claimed to be quit several times.....lol......thank god for his faith in me that someday I would face the smoking devil and come out on top. Be happy in your own quit and focus on YOUR SUCCESS not his failure. We have all been there even if some of us won't admit it. Take it easy. :) [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 10/24/2004 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 466 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 11,661 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $4776.5 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 45 [B]Hrs:[/B] 10 [B]Mins:[/B] 29 [B]Seconds:[/B] 2

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Katy
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Katy
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19 years ago 0 763 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Janet....do your best to put this behind you.....the fact that we are nicotine addicts will take precidence over everything else in our lives....I am sure that your hubby still loves you just as he always has. Don't let the high flying emotions of addiction and quitting make the decisions at this time. Let it ride.....that Ole Nic is doing all he can to ruin your health....don't let him have control of your feelings for you hubby also.... kick "nicodemons" butt and give your hubby a hug Katy [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/4/2002 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 1490 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 59,627 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $8195 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 194 [B]Hrs:[/B] 10 [B]Mins:[/B] 28 [B]Seconds:[/B] 19

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Katy
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Katy
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19 years ago 0 763 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Long ago, when we were younger, we both decided to quit smoking.....I think I went about a week without smoking when I realized that my hubby had smokes in his truck and he was smoking when he was away from me....I remember it made me mad as hell....needless to say it was the end of us even trying to quit and we continued to smoke for literally YEARS afterward. What you are feeling is one of the main reasons it's stressed that a quit is "personal".....you can't go 'together' to quit. No two quits are alike and if one person fails, it tends to drag down the other one......try to fight the anger because it plays in the favor of the addiction. Your hubby is in denial about his addiction....and that's cause the addiction is still the one in control. Naturally you feel a bit resentful....but the bulk of your resentment it actually caused by 'your' addiction......it sees a way to break you down.....I know you aren't going to believe this.....you feel betrayed and want to say you are angry cause hubby has lied to you.......but in reality, your addiction sees a way to influence you to give in and smoke (you have struggled and not smoked....he hasn't.....NO FAIR you say) Actually you are going to have the same struggle to quit, whether HE smokes or not....your quit can NOT depend on what HE does.....it has to be YOUR choice and YOUR battle. and you can't be quit and still smoke....it doesn't work that way and you both know it. But don't waste energy fighting over it. Trust me....smokers watch quitters.....quitters who are cheating watch honest quitters.....it will all come to bear at some point.....Stive to stay in control and also control the anger. (direct it at the addiction....that is what is to blame here....if hubby wasn't an addict he would never have hidden his smoking) Keep up your OWN quit and show him how it's done with STYLE! I bet he will follow you at some point. hang tough....and keep kickin butt! katy [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/4/2002 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 1490 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 59,627 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $8195 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 194 [B]Hrs:[/B] 10 [B]Mins:[/B] 26 [B]Seconds:[/B] 57

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Josie-Health Educator
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Josie-Health Educator
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19 years ago 0 12049 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Janet, Tough situation to deal with. I know you are disappointed, but I assume he indirectly lied to you because he wanted you to be proud of him. This is now your quit and you must keep it :) He will quit in his own time and on his own terms, so let him know you are there for support, but won't tolerate lying, there is no need for it. You will be proud no matter what and you know he is trying. Take the time to talk to each other and know perhaps you need another outlet and it may be difficult for your hubbie as well. Your child is so proud of you and so are we :) You can overcome! Josie _____________________ The SSC Support Team.

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